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  • Foto del escritorYamil Senior

The Male Loneliness Epidemic: How can you stop being lonely?

Actualizado: 18 sept 2023

In the era of social media, dating apps, and instant messaging, one might assume that everyone is more connected than ever before and it would be easier to get a date. However, a closer look at the statistics reveals a troubling reality—an alarming increase in loneliness among young men under the age of 30. But why is this happening?


The Male loneliness crisis

If you've spent any amount of time on TikTok or YouTube you might have already heard about the "male loneliness epidemic" but not too many people are actually offering real solutions to this problem. In this particular post, I intend to correct this.


But before we can talk about solutions, we first need to understand where the problem comes from and how it is affecting young men in the first place.


Loneliness in The Digital Age:


The digital landscape has transformed the way we connect with others. While it has opened up new avenues for communication, it has also brought forth unique challenges. Despite having so many more options to connect with people all over the world, I believe most people would agree that there is something missing from social interactions online. A human element that creates actual long-lasting friendships and relationships.


People of both sexes report not having as many close friends as they used to, or as they would like to. But this has uniquely affected men as a 2021 study by the Survey Center on American Life found that 15% of men under 30 reported having no close social connections at all. And in 2022, a study by the Pew Research Center unveiled that 58% of men under 30 reported feeling lonely at least sometimes or even always.


The Male loneliness crisis

This may just be anecdotal but I have always had some quality I can't really describe, for some reason, people tend to open up to me. I've been a coach professionally for a short time but in my life, I've been one since I was a child.

I've heard all kinds of stories from people from all walks of life, and one of the most recurring themes I've encountered time and time again is young men who feel unmotivated and completely alone. It honestly breaks my heart, so I decided to dig deeper and understand how this happened.


Here's what I found...


I took to Reddit to ask young men if they felt lonely, much to my surprise I got more than 400 responses, and while some said they had no problem making friends or getting dates, a vast majority said yes. And they all had a couple of culprits in mind...


The Internet and toxic masculinity...


Finding Love Online:


I think both men and women can agree that dating online is just a recipe for disappointment, however, most people under 30 use dating apps as their primary method of finding potential partners.


The problem is dating apps are often biased against men. This is not part of some secret conspiracy, but a business strategy. The companies understand the same thing nightclub owners understand, that if you can get attractive women in the door, men will spend their money trying to win them over.

According to a study by Match Group, 42% of men have spent money on premium memberships to dating apps, compared to 29% of women.

But to make matters worse a study by The New York Times revealed that these men have just a 0.6% chance of getting a match on Tinder, translating to only one match for every 100 swipes. This is not at all the experience women have on these apps, as there are usually far more men than women on them and women get matches much easier.


The Male loneliness crisis

It stands to reason as well that most of these young men don't have a lot of social skills or practice in trying to talk to women, so they might come off as too pushy, or as boring. Meaning that even if you get a match the most likely result is that she won't respond.


This dismal success rate can be disheartening, further exacerbating feelings of isolation and rejection.


Most guys turn to Tinder and Hinge to find a partner and instead, they end up feeling unwanted and alone. At the same time, women on dating apps go to find a good partner and end up only matching with socially awkward guys or the proverbial "f-boys."


But there was something else I discovered as I was researching this male loneliness epidemic...


Young women are probably just as lonely as the guys, they just manifest it in very different ways.


Buying Love...


Something that is also a big product of the digital era is the access to adult content online. Adult content used to be sold in magazine stands or sketchy video stores, now one Google search can instantly produce all kinds of explicit sexual content.


If you combine this fact with the amount of lonely young men who spend most of their time on the Internet, we start to understand why so many of them are addicted to porn.


But there is another step further than porn.


OnlyFans...


65% of OnlyFans users are male, with 72% of them falling under the age of 40. This means that nearly half of all OnlyFans users are young men under 40, primarily engaging with explicit content. The most popular age group for OnlyFans users is 25-34, making up 32% of the user base, followed closely by 18-24-year-olds at 27%. These figures suggest that young men are the primary consumers of such content.


But Why? I mean, why would anyone in their right mind pay for sexual content when you can find hours upon hours of it free online?


The answer is these young men are lonely and OnlyFans figured out a way to profit from their loneliness. These men don't pay for porn, they are paying for personalized messages, the creator saying their name in a video, getting a piece of clothing in the mail, etc. They are paying someone to simulate having a relationship because it just seems easier than trying to get a real one. There are also now AI apps that young men can download to get text messages from a virtual girlfriend.


But women are lonely as well...


The Male loneliness crisis

Most of the adult content creators on OnlyFans and websites like it are single women, most of whom have given up on the idea of finding a serious relationship. But by selling adult content they can make money and also get some male attention even if it's not really meaningful and it's not leading up to anything significant.


The Vicious Cycle


These statistics paint a grim picture. Young men under 30, who are already dealing with loneliness and social isolation, often turn to digital escapes, such as explicit content on platforms like OnlyFans. While these platforms provide temporary relief, they can deepen the cycle of loneliness, as real, meaningful connections continue to elude them.

Women feel lonely so they cope by selling lude content and getting tons of male attention, and men feel lonely so they cope by buying a minimum of affection from a stranger.


But that's not all...


In history, we can point to many instances in different civilizations that had moments when the majority of men were not finding partners. During those times these men would become violent, irate, and lead violent uprisings.


But that's not happening on a large scale... Why?


The Male loneliness crisis

It's because most men who are lonely numb that feeling of isolation with drugs or alcohol that numb their senses and emotions, videogames that provide a fake sense of accomplishment and some sense of community (especially online games), and pornography that offers a simulation for sex. This "numbing" keeps these young men unmotivated and stuck in the same vicious cycle they can't seem to escape from.


And then there is "toxic masculinity."


Toxic Masculinity is defined as "a set of attitudes and ways of behaving stereotypically associated with or expected of men, regarded as having a negative impact on men and on society as a whole."


But to be honest I despise this term for the simple fact that is it hardly ever used in the same way that it is defined. The definition itself is a bit vague saying that these behaviors are "regarded as having a negative impact." Regarded by who? Who gets to decide this?


But let's not split hairs over the definition. In practice, the phrase is used as a type of original sin that all men are born with and it makes them subconsciously evil and dangerous. And it is only ascribed to men, there is no such thing in these types of discussions as "toxic femininity" and honestly, I don't think there should be.


In my opinion at least, it is nothing but propaganda that justifies and enables open misandry (hatred of all men).


But why am I going on this tangent?


Because a very vocal minority of people (both men and women) believe that this "toxic masculinity" is at the root of the male loneliness epidemic. Although to be honest I don't know if we can continue to call it male, since it's also affecting women just as much.


The explanation as to how "toxic masculinity" makes men lonely is usually very generic or completely devoid of sound arguments. Believe me, I've searched...

The most I could gather is that because of this toxic version of masculinity men don't express their emotions and because of that, they have a hard time saying that they are lonely. If men in mass had a very hard time talking about how lonely they are we wouldn't be talking about it right now.


Men do express their emotions, we just do it in very different ways than women do. We are judging men's emotional acuity by female standards, and that's just not fair to men.


But enough of the problems...


How can we start to solve this problem?


First of all, we need to understand that there is no one coming to save these young men and women, we need to start doing something about it at the individual level. And yes it will be hard, but constantly feeling alone and unloved is harder.


I can't really talk to specific solutions for women but for young men, it starts with getting very clear on your purpose.


The Male loneliness crisis

1. Align with your purpose.

I don't know what you believe in and I'm not here to tell you what to believe, but if it helps I'll share with you mine and how I found it. I believe that God (and you can replace that word with whatever you like) made with a task in mind, that I was going to reach men across the world and help them lead better lives.


How did I find it? I was in an abusive relationship and I ended up being a male victim of domestic violence. Click to see more of my story. At the time I wouldn't have wished it on my worst enemy but now I know I had to go through it to understand and reach other people where they are. My purpose was to help other men.


Once I found my purpose I became more attractive to women, I took different actions, I made new friends, and even though I haven't found that great love yet, I know she's out there and I will find her. I don't feel lonely because I go on dates, I have friends, I have family, co-workers, students, and clients. And I didn't have to do 20 different activities to do it, all I needed was one purpose, something to strive for every day.


2. Build your charisma.


If you wanted to get stronger I would tell you to go to the gym and work on your strength, if you wanted to get healthier I would tell you to clean your diet, so if you want to have friends and start dating you need to practice meeting new people and establishing relationships with them.


In his book "The 4-Hour Work Week" Tim Ferriss talks about how he would intentionally put himself in very uncomfortable situations to overcome his social anxiety. He would do things like asking for women's numbers even if he wasn't even attracted to them, he would make eye contact with strangers without looking away, or going into a crowded bar and lying down on the floor. You don't have to do such extreme things, but my point is you need to put in the reps and talk to complete strangers just so you can practice and get good at meeting people.


In the beginning, you're going to suck, it's going to be awkward and even painful. But the more you do it, the easier it gets.


3. Get rid of dating apps.


The reason why we like dating apps so much is they give us an easy way to interact with women and not have to put ourselves in a vulnerable position where we might get rejected. It keeps your feelings intact but it also severely limits your chances of dating successfully. So forget about dating apps and start talking to women in person.


In doing this you also need to remember to always conduct yourself like a gentleman, don't say shit like "Hey baby! Mami! You a bad bitch!" You don't know her like that...

Be respectful, state your intentions clearly, and if she says no, thank her and walk away.

Even if she is rude to you, don't respond the same way, just thank her and move on.


She may be having a bad day, she might not be in a good place, you don't know so don't take it personally. If she says no or gives you a fake number she's doing you a favor. Make sure to thank her...


Most women are dying for a man who has the courage to walk up to them and respectfully show his interest in them.


4. Make sure to love yourself.


I know this is probably the corniest thing you've seen all week. But it's extremely important, to a starving man a plate of rotten food tastes like heaven. Someone who is well fed wouldn't put rotten food in his mouth...


For years I stayed in an abusive relationship because I felt like if I left her I would have nothing and no one. That kept me stuck in a terrible dynamic where I was emotionally, mentally, and physically battered on a regular basis.


Learn to respect and love yourself, understand that there really are plenty of fish in the sea and you don't need to put up with any kind of disrespectful or abusive partners. No matter how hot or cool they are...


5. Allow yourself to be vulnerable.


Some of the advice that's most popular on the Internet comes from the "red pill" community or the "manosphere." And it's usually in the form of attracting women using your physical attributes, your money, and your status. Never commit to any of them and just sleep around until you find a trophy wife you will just cook clean and shut up.


This is a recipe for disaster because trying to attract women with looks and status attracts a certain type of woman who is shallow and material. She will most likely then cheat on you or leave you for the next best thing.


If you want a real connection with a woman that can stand the test of time you need to allow yourself to be emotionally vulnerable with her. This doesn't mean you should cry and share all your feelings in a feminine way, it means you need to allow yourself to love and confide in her. And that's scary because if she betrays your trust it can be extremely painful, but the alternative is much worse.


Be courageous, and allow yourself to give love. Only then will you receive it in return...


6. Stop numbing yourself.


Stop trying to cope with your feelings through weed, video games, and porn. Deal with your feelings, face them head on, and do something about them. Otherwise, you will remain stuck in the same spot for days, weeks, months, or even years.


These things feel good in the moment but they will cause a serious amount of pain for you in the long run. You may already be feeling the consequences of this which is why you're reading this blog post.


All great things in life are hard, in order for you to have a life that's filled with happiness and fulfillment you're going to have to do the hard things and avoid the easy route.


Conclusion


This loneliness crisis is a serious problem we can no longer ignore. It's something that affects everybody and it can only be solved if we all start to work on ourselves. No amount of government benefits or laws will make this go away, it's up to each and every one of us.


If you still feel lost and feel like you need some direction click here to schedule a free coaching session. And don't forget to join our community called "The Virtuous Male Society" where we share stories, insights, and advice for men of all ages. Click here to join.


Master your destiny

And make this an amazing day...


Yamil Senior



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